The Chronicles of Brian

This page will be dedicated to chronicling one woman’s (i.e., me) arduous relationship with her upstairs neighbor (i.e., Brian). I have held my silence thus far concerning Brian, but no more. The following tale will be delivered to you in the form of Facebook and Twitter postings detailing a grievous relationship with Brian. Where I can, I will attempt to fill in the missing details.

Our story began like many others. Seeing the red flags, the warning signs, but refusing to face the inevitable reality.

24 August 2014 

Sure the upstairs neighbors are a little noisy. But so far today they’ve had GREAT music taste. Definite improvement from last nights tunes.

I was young. I was hopeful of a bright future together. That we might one day knock on each other’s doors and ask to borrow a cup of sugar. But this is no fairy tale.

28 August 2014 

I was going to sleep but apparently the upstairs neighbors have decided to open a bowling alley.

The true colors of the situation began to bleed through, staining my pillow with the truth of how much sleep I would miss. These were no ordinary upstairs neighbors.

10 September 2014 

Sounds like theres a party going on outside. I was not invited. Bet its b/c I’m blond. They don’t want me having more fun than them.

Even so, I found myself enthralled by the level of partying that one could endure. Who were these people? What powers might they possess?

19 September 2014 

I’m only mostly convinced that the upstairs neighbors are avid pogo-stickers…

Their strange habits continued to shock and confuse me. The upstairs neighbors were ones of many hobbies. Unfortunately none of these hobbies appeared to be crocheting or stamp collecting.

21 September 2014 

I’m sorry, but I can’t say this without cursing: Who the fuck vacuums at 10:30 at night!? Go to bed you upstairs demons! I will salt and burn you if that’s what it comes to!!

I regret that in a moment of sleep-deprived passion, I said some things. But now I could see the real horrors of the unfolding situation: I had horrible upstairs neighbors.

However, just the following night, I would receive answers to the mysterious late night vacuuming. My neighbor was clearly preparing for a gathering. A gathering that, to this day, I’m still not sure that all guests left alive…

22 September 2014

My neighbor is tripping balls. I don’t know what he’s on but let’s just say I’d rather be thrown into a mosh pit blindfolded than find out.

And you may ask, how did I know he was tripping? Because on this night, Brian made his identity known. The night began with the relentless pounding of footsteps apparently carving out a path from one end of the apartment to the other. Repeatedly. But wait! Someone’s just dropped a bowling ball! Then silence from upstairs. What had happened? Was someone injured? Did they get the strike or just a spare!?

And next, the unimaginable: a knock on our door. Here was the first sighting of Brian. He could do little more than tell us his name and ask for ours, to which I did not reply. Judging from his blood shot eyes and the clear desire his body had of being horizontal, it wasn’t hard to draw the conclusion that any number of countless mystical substances were being consumed in the upstairs Netherworld.

But now I knew his name. More importantly, I knew he could not be trusted.

I regret that months then passed without any documentation on my part of the events during that time. The loud, unidentifiable noises continued. On several occasions loud arguments could be heard. During the 3 month break from my social media ranting, Bee and myself believed we identified the second person occupying Netherworld. Though I must caution you, what I’m about to reveal will not make sense. He is an older gentleman, tall, with his most distinguishing feature being a long white ponytail. We call him Rabbit. He checks their mail.

How Rabbit could bear to reside within any proximity to the hellish atmosphere surrounding Brian, I will never understand. However, we believed the numerous arguments we overhead to be occurring between Brian and Rabbit. No doubt, these battles were waged in the wake of a noise complaint filed by Bee and myself. During this time, the verbal onslaughts comprised most of the irritation Netherworld brought into our lives. The wild partying, the odd bangs and thumps, they came to ceasefire.

Until one day when they were suddenly back like they had never left. And with their return also came an end to the arguments.

Rabbit has not been sighted. We can only speculate on his whereabouts. However, it seems unlikely that he remains in Netherworld.

I am beyond happy that Rabbit fled to sanctuary. But Brian has now been left to his own devices. And he is ready to make up for lost time.

21 January 2015

Dear Brian (you know, from upstairs),

Your behavior is thoroughly unacceptable. It’s a Wednesday night and you’ve obviously invited your friends over for some kind of indoor soccer game. While I commend you for your commitment to physical excellence, I still strongly discourage such rigorous exercise every night for an entire week. Also, if you quit playing soccer inside, you will no longer be required to rearrange the furniture in your apartment on such a frequent basis. In short, we will all be much happier and healthier.

Sincerely,

Your downstairs neighbors (who wish you would move far away)

22 January 2015

It appears that Brian took my advice about the hazards of indoor soccer games.

Instead it appears that he has went for the calmer activity of throwing a high school prom in his apartment. Complete with a live DJ (dishing out those Wonderwall by Oasis jams) and the entire Class of 2009 (who either ALL have Fridays off from work or are still in the process of establishing a career, job market’s tough these days, might as well get smashed on every day that ends in “y”).

Sounds like tonight, Brian will get the Prom he never had.

24 January 2015

Listen Brian, tonight is really not the night for you to learn how to juggle (because, quite frankly, you sound terrible at it). I am attempting to watch a scary movie (alone) and you are simply NOT making my situation any less strenuous.

25 January 2015

Judging from the music playing upstairs, Brian must be working on an audition for a Film Noir piece. I suppose this is a step up from the square dancing lessons he was taking last week.

I don’t know what the rest of 2015 will bring down upon us from Netherworld. But I will no longer attempt to shield you from the harsh truths. I vow that here on this page (and with the aid of social media) I will bring you the factual account of Brian from Netherworld.

And Rabbit, if you’re out there, if you’re reading this. Please let us know you’re all right. Please share with us any knowledge you hold on defeating Brian. Rabbit, help us.

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2 comments

  1. pattyannihilate · February 12, 2015

    wonderful.

    Like

  2. Elizabeth Kerry · February 26, 2015

    Great writing and so funny. I hope we hear from Rabbit. x

    Like

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