Exposé of a Random Thing: The Chilling Story of No Endings

Here’s the thing. I have this horrible, dark secret that I can’t keep anymore. It burns my eyelids when I try to sleep. It thrashes in my stomach when I try to eat. It drags me down when good friends I try to meet (ever heard of a little thing called rhyming hyperbole for effect? No? I may have just invented it).

In honor of Karen and Georgia’s book release, let’s sit crooked and talk straight today. I suffer from a chronic inability to finish anything, specifically podcasts, television shows, and (admittedly) even the occasional movie/documentary. I have no idea why I’m this way. I don’t have fears of commitment. Do I have fears of things ending? I’m not really sure, but lemme tell you, Harry Potter ending is a feeling I sit with until this day. Perhaps that moment changed my entertainment consumption habits forever.

I thought it would be fun to go down the long, sad list of things I’ve never seen through to the end. For ease of understanding just how deep this goes, I’ve separated my truth into categories.  


Podcasts

I know what you’re thinking. Who doesn’t finish a podcast? It couldn’t be any easier to finish a podcast. You just throw it on during your commute, while you do your chores, while you stare out the window in disgust -yet utter fascination- at the life of birds. Still. I start podcasts and burn through them like a cheap dollar store candle until I fizzle out. Months pass and sometimes I go back to them, but it’s not always a guarantee. Following are all the podcasts that I’ve started, stopped, started, and ultimately have not finished.

  1. Welcome to Night Vale
    • This is an absolute tragedy given this was the first podcast I ever got into.
    • I’ve even been to a live show I love it so much.
    • The last episode I listened to aired May 2018.
    • Conclusion: I am a disgrace.
  2. Hello From the Magic Tavern
    • The last episode I listened to aired September 2018 -I never made it to the role-playing greatness that is Offices and Bosses. Such tragedy.
    • This podcast is so fucking funny. I cannot recommend it enough. You can trust me even though I haven’t finished it. It’s not their fault.
  3. Lore
    • I feel less guilty about this one. This is easy to listen to an episode here and there when you just need some creepy energy in your life.
  4. Hidden Brain
    • Don’t I like learning!?
    • Likely answer:
    • fcd.jpg
  5. Tanis
    • Serialized docudrama? Check.
    • Mystery? Check.
    • Conspiracy? Check.
    • Did I finish listening? Uncheck.
  6. Alice Isn’t Dead
    • Not that I would know.
  7. The Bright Sessions
    • About a psychologist working with people with superpowers. Literally, just, ideal career path.
    • What’s not an ideal path you ask? Getting to the last episode.
  8. Honorary Mentions
    • I am actively working my way through the following podcasts and have been for some time: My Favorite Murder, Harry Potter and the Sacred Texts, & Jenna + Julien Podcast. I will finish them. Before I die. Probably.

Television

I bet I still know what you’re thinking. Sure, it’s a little harder to find time to finish a television show, but like, you could just not start anything new until one thing is done, right? WRONG. Absolutely not an option. Can I rewatch Star Trek Voyager 4-5 times? Sure. Can I finish the following tv shows?

471.jpg

  1. The Walking Dead
    • My favorite character died and I never went back.
    • Conclusion: Loyalty is one of my core strengths.
  2. Supernatural
    • And bruh, I even have a Supernatural tattoo. But I can only take so many random plot lines and Winchesters dying/resurrecting.
  3. Riverdale
    • CW: Here’s a reason to watch Cole Sprouse again presented on a silver platter.
    • Me: Eats off the floor.
  4. Jane the Virgin
    • This was a recent one I stopped watching though so there’s totally still hope.
  5. Black Mirror
    • Me: *Shrugging
    • You:
    • ece
  6. Alone
    • A really rad show about people they just drop off in the Canadian wilderness to survive on their own. They film their whole journey themselves.
  7. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
    • It’s like I hate comedy, right?
  8. Queer Eye
    • There’s no need to @ me, I’m aware.
  9. Brooklyn Nine-Nine
    • Again, contrary to what I’ve believed my entire life, I must hate laughing.
  10. Inuyasha
    • I was so fucking close, okay? Episode 165.
    • Shut up, it’s still one of my favorite animes.
  11. Fairy Tail
    • Since we’re on anime, figured I should dish.
  12. My Hero Academia
    • What!? *said everyone in disbelief.
  13. Attack on Titan
    • Look, in my defense, I’m still emotionally healing from season 1.
  14. Death Note
    • I know, hilarious right? I found out how it ended and was like “eh, who needs to watch the last episode then?”
  15. One Punch Man
    • Again. I reiterate. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
    • I’m also starting to think I should have just made a separate anime category.
  16. Terrace House
    • You can’t roll your eyes harder at me than I already am.
  17. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D
    • I am so sorry Phil Coulson.
  18. American Horror Story
    • Was I obsessed the first few seasons? Yes.
    • Does that matter now? Apparently not.
  19. The OA
    • Such a cool show. I still get chills thinking about it.
  20. Once Upon a Time
    • They sadly just kind of lost me after a while. I don’t feel bad for this one.
    • …which is why I ended on it.

Just in case anyone was wondering, I do in fact have a subscription to Hulu and Netflix. Most of these things I have the capability to finish. It appears to be the capacity that I lack.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Have you experienced the shame of sitting around with friends discussing a show when you have to admit that you’ve never finished it?

Know that you are not alone. We are out there. Nodding along in conversations about the last episode of that one show -that yes we’re totally caught up on, Sharon -while crossing our fingers behind our backs. Squinting at IMDB episode descriptions trying to decide if we stopped watching in season four or five. Skipping through podcast episodes 10 seconds at a time attempting to find the place where we left off.

We exist. We see you. And it’s okay.

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