Hi. This is awkward. It’s awkward isn’t it? I haven’t been here since July 7th 2017. So I’m just going to get this out there: I totally ghosted this blog. Hard. Not to mention all the lovely people who have provided me with feedback and support on here. I have a half written post from May 7th 2017, and that’s it. I haven’t even written since then (unless we’re counting comments of ‘aww’ on Reddit cat posts, which I doubt we are). And so many times I’ve started drafting posts in my head, but I haven’t followed through. And the last several months or so that’s really been eating away at me. Because I LOVE writing. I can’t draw -yep, not even so much as a proportionate stick figure. Writing is the one thing I can do (don’t worry, I can also read).
I think part of the problem is that I have felt like I’ve lost my voice. Like, what even is this blog? Do you know what I mean? When I look back over the content, I love what I’ve accomplished, so it’s not about that. But I don’t know how to move forward. I’m in a different place in my life now, and I can’t exactly write like I used to. But it also doesn’t feel like I can’t NOT write (whoa double negative, so sorry, it’s been awhile. I’m going to go ahead and power through though so as not to lose this momentum I’m feeling).
Basically, this post right now is an exercise in Figuring Your Shit Out. Usually when I sit down to write something I have a half formed plan in my mind of what I’m going to say. Not today ladies and gentleman. Today we lean in and see what happens. This could end in joyous tears or a total meltdown. Actually scratch that: either of those things can happen, but the one thing that CANNOT happen is for this to end. I don’t care if it’s on this blog or in the pages of a notebook – I HAVE TO KEEP WRITING. Because not having this creative outlet feels like suffocating. And trust me, I have asthma, I know what it feels like not to breathe. And going over a year without writing for the fun of it feels exactly like not breathing.
I’ve got to admit, having this blog as a space to write keeps me accountable to my creativity. Which is why I opened up it’s pages and started to brush away the dust that’s been collecting. I’ve found that I don’t love my site address as much as I used to, and that’s okay. It feels like greeting an old friend and finding out that you don’t quite know how to talk to each other anymore (plus, I’ve completely forgotten how to navigate wordpress *insert dizzy face emoji here*). It might take time to relearn what it’s like to be with each other, but it can also be an exciting experience, to see how each has grown. And as I start to look through old posts, I’m reminded of the good times and the bad times. This grounds me in knowing that these times will continue and I can show up for all of it.
And, hey, you know what? This doesn’t feel so awkward anymore!